Virtual Book Tour with Kare Anderson

moving-from-me-to-we-book-cover-236x350Are you looking for ways to turn the page to the next chapter of the adventure story you’re truly meant to live? Author Kare Anderson, in her book, Moving From Me to We, writes about how to pull people closer and collaborate productively. She has spent the past decade translating behavioral research into ways to bring out the better side of others. Kare is a Forbes and Huffington Post columnist, and we welcome her to our blog today:

Mentors: What is a way to attract support?

Kare: Speak sooner to the specific ways your idea benefits others, praising the part of them that they most value.

Mentors: What is one way I can get a deeper understanding of what most matters to them?

Kare: Make a comment that so interests them that they ask a question. Answer warmly, vividly yet briefly so they want to learn more and ask a follow-up question. Answer the same way so they ask a third question which often reveals their strongest interest/desire or fear/worry.

Hint: We are far more revealing by the questions we ask than the answers we give

Mentors: What are some sensory ways to connect?

Kare: Sidle: stand or sit more or less side-by-side rather than directly facing someone as we women are most likely to do

Walk together, getting in sync.

Avoid patterns on the upper half of your body as it shortens attention span, as do patterns behind you when meeting in person

Have more curves in the setting in which you meet such as oval tables, rugs, mirrors.

Give them a warm drink to hold as it literally makes them warm up to you.

Mentors: What are ways we inadvertently alienate others?

Kare: Having a harsh or even neutral facial expression (more likely to have in repose after age 30 + happening more by looking at smart phones – “screen face” I call it), rather than a warm, open and inviting expression (true, not fake smile +slightly uplifted eyebrows, etc.)

When responding to others’ comments, reverting the conversation back to your example rather than following up on their line of thinking or feeling – a rapidly growing phenomenon

Moving or speaking fast and/or high and/or loudly, without a melodic flow to your voice; using rapid, sharp gestures, especially above the waist

Boasting, even in a humble way

Mentors: What is one way to become more quotable?

Kare: Make your message vividly specific and brief, almost as vital as A.I.R. Actionable. With Interestingness. Relevant to the other person.

Mentors: Thanks, Kare, for showing us how to attract the people we want in our lives and create more meaningful connections. On the web, learn about Kare and her book at SayItBetter.com.

Readers, now it’s your turn to make comments or ask Kare questions. So let’s get started……..

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16 Responses to Virtual Book Tour with Kare Anderson

  1. Hillary says:

    Interesting ideas about connecting. I often see the funny side of things and like to laugh. Do you recommend using humor to engage with others?

  2. Anonymous says:

    I read one of your Huffington Post articles where you write about subtracting the extraneous. I’m a single mom with 2 kids and a new job after being out of work for over a year. Can you give me an example of how less could be more.

  3. Betsy says:

    I’m worried that I wont be able to be natural if I’m thinking about all these things I should be doing to get people to connect. How do you stay real and authentic?

    • phyllis says:

      More wisdom from Kare:
      Betsy,
      that is not an unusual concern yet learning new behaviors usually takes practice — and a picture of the benefit for that practice. In our increasingly complex yet connected world, other than honing one’s top talent, few traits are more vital for healthy families, friendships and work places than our capacity to connect with diverse people, especially when they don’t act “right”… like us 🙂

  4. Carol says:

    I love your idea about giving a warm drink. I’ll try that at work tomorrow.

    • phyllis says:

      Kare replies to Carol:

      Nothing delights me more, Carol, than someone taking action on one of the ideas I suggest, especially when research backs up the tip….wishing you well on getting closer to the individuals with whom you try this

  5. Claire says:

    I’m outgoing and always have something to say. How can I quiet my thoughts so I can be a better listener? Claire

    • phyllis says:

      Kare’s answer to Claire’s question:

      Claire, that is one of the most difficult behaviors to alter and I identify with it.

      Here are two related sayings (I made up) to boost our motivation on it:
      • Quieting the chattering mind promotes directed action.
      • Go slow to go fast

      It is often helpful to calm yourself and listen longer when you
      – listen deeply, trying to not only understand what the other person meant but also considering:
      • why is this person
      • tell me this
      • now …..
      After all, it is the secret to staying sought-after:
      http://www.forbes.com/sites/kareanderson/2012/08/31/the-secret-to-staying-sought-after/

  6. Joyce says:

    I like what you have to say, Kare. Ihave a co-worker who can be argumentative. When disagreeing, can you help me with what body language may be most welcoming to her and most comfortable for me?

    • phyllis says:

      Kare’s response:

      Avoid a “face-off,”meaning standing or sitting directly facing that upset co-worker. Instead “sidle” at an angle to them, with a slightly “open” body pose: no crossed arms, for example.

  7. Sara says:

    I’m interested in your comments about how to get a deeper understanding of what matters to others. Can you give a concrete example? What comment could I make that would encourage you to ask a follow up question?

  8. Anonymous says:

    I’ve worked for my boss for 11 years and now that I’m in my late 30s I’m less inclined to just accept everything he says. I know I still work for him but how do I get him to give me more responsibility and opportunity to grow my career.

    • phyllis says:

      What Kare has to say:

      One of the best ways is to excel at what most matters to your boss in ways that are visible to your boss. If you are not sure what most matters, ask for an opportunity to know her/his top priority. You might say something such as “I’ve really valued what I’ve learned from you so far and I’d like to be sure I’m doing ‘first things first.’ I’ve been able to accomplish a lot and would welcome the chance to take on more responsibility.”

  9. phyllis says:

    In Kare’s words:

    Sara, for starters, look at the earlier answer regarding ways to listen more deeply. As well, we are far more revealing by the questions we ask than the answers we give. Hint: when someone asks you a question, answer vividly, genially yet succinctly so they are more prone to want to learn more by asking a follow-up question. Again make your answer pithy–because the third follow-up question takes you closer to the root of what is most on the mind (fear or desire) of the person asking you the question.

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